Emotion

Anger is an interesting emotion. I think the most complex possibly of all emotions. It has so many levels and can manifest itself in thousands of different ways. I guess you could make the same argument of all emotions. They can completely control you if you let them. I've been told that no one can fault you for feeling something. An emotion is yours and is very personal. But, what you do with that emotion is the key. Being angry about something is fine. Justified or not. Acting on that anger determines the outcome. I've found that anger can completely blind you to almost everything else going on in your life. Now I can see the negatives to this but I think that there can be some positives as well. It can cover emotions you may not be ready to deal with at that moment. In some ways protecting you. This is what I have been dealing with as of late.
Some people just refuse to accept things. Little or not, they have to rationalize and over-analyze every little thing until they have absolutely driven you mad. I ask for something and it is completely ignored. Then when I try and reiterate my request they just lose their mind and do something that is just unforgiveable. At least for the foreseeable future. This of course has made me.....angry. Yep, that's it. Which I think is helping me to deal with the absence of someone in my life all of the sudden. Right now I am completely fine that they are gone. Doesn't bother me at all. But how long will that feeling last? It seems pretty well rooted at the moment. And to be honest I am glad that they are gone. I feel betrayed and don't want them around. But again, I have to forgive. As soon as I get over this anger thing....

Trust

As i've said, I am learning how hard I am on other people. I don't give an inch it seems or give people any chances. Which is completely ridiculous seeing as my life has been one second chance after another. There's always been someone who was willing to forgive and forget my mistakes and give me yet another chance. So in learning recently that my trust in someone had been broken at first completely floored me. In many ways it was a huge change. I am generally the one who does the trust taking. Then I became pretty angry and then I realized that this is what it feels like to do this to other people. What a horrible feeling. I can't imagine the people that have known me the longest have felt this way about me before and didn't slam the door shut and walk away. However, one person inparticular took this feeling to another level completely. They absolutely betrayed me in a way that I cannot begin to express. And I am furious. Actually I am calm about it now but it took awhile to get here. I am stuck now. I know that I should forgive and forget as so many have done for me. Yet this person sees no wrong in their actions and I can't get over it. So for now once again I am back to square one. For the second time in not so many days. Poo once again on humans.

Humans

I have become very aware of how much I judge people and place them in boxes that I think define them as of late. I would have to say that that is a pretty boring way to go through life and not the best way to really get to know my friends and family. Now 99.9% of the time i am learning that I am not as right as I think I am about people. But, there is always that .01%. Sometimes people can be the most annoying things. People in parking lots, grocery stores you name it can just make me want to scream (and I usually do). However, it's different when the person making you just want to run for the hills is someone you've known for quite sometime. My box I created for this person has been shattered. They are not who i thought they were at all. Funny that they would certainly say the same thing about me as of late. I tried to make it clear that we can't be a part of each other's lives right now. For the good of both of us (more so for them) Yet they repeatedly email and myspace me ( i love that myspace can be used as a verb -- how crazy is that?) I just don't know what to do. Right now I am ready to go nuclear and that would be the absolute worst thing i could do. So I am stuck. Do I reiterate that we CANNOT be part of each other's lives or do I cave? I feel pretty solid on my choice to not be a part of their life but I can't figure out how to make that clear without causing more pain. So for the moment, instead of making better choices like I have been trying to do these past 2 weeks, I am clamming up. Just like the old me. That makes me angry which puts us back at square one. Poo on humans.

I hate Uhaul or Whoever Invented Moving Should Die

Tomorrow I am going to make the trek to San Marcos and retrieve my stuff. Of course none of it is boxed or even remotely ready to be moved. Imagine that. I am TERRIBLE at moving. Always have been. I just want to open a box, throw some stuff in and be done with it. And of course I am going to get to do just that tomorrow. Yay. I am excited. To top it off. I have only a Pontiac Bonneville to fit everything into. Whoo hoo. Looks like I am going to be leaving some stuff behind, lol. You think. Only the essentials are coming back to Pleasanton with me. Nothing more. In some ways this might be a good thing. I tend to be a bit of a packrat and I have way to much junk. Now I have an actual reason to get rid of it. Or maybe I am just rationalizing this whole thing. Could be. Not sure. Now I am just rambling and not making much sense. So...the joys of moving will be revisited tomorrow for a short time. Hooray.

Papaw

So being carless for the recent past has been not so much fun as you can probably imagine. But, today I got to do something that really makes me happy. I am going to use my grandfather's El Camino. Now granted it is a '78 and it has no air conditioning. And normally I would complain to anyone that would listen that I was hot and it's old. But it just doesn't matter. This was my papaw's car and he loved it. I have a ton of memories asscoiated with this car. I always knew they were there but driving it today brought them all back. It may sound crazy but it was like he was sitting in the passenger seat with me. It's nice right now for something so small that can make me happy. And it's really amazing how those things seem to come along at just the right moments in life. Although I have been angry at God ever since my papaw passed away, now it seems like he's saying something to me. I'm just not sure what it is. I know that I have to come to terms with the whole situation surrounding my papaw's disease and death but I am just not sure how to get to that point. It amazes me that no matter what I do to inadvertently distance myself from Christ, he is always just around the corner waiting for me to come home. And it is incredible that even after his death, my grandfather seems to be leading me closer to God. Just further proof of the man that he was and the man that someday..someday I might just be.

Starting Over....AGAIN

So I am back to square one. I have tripped, fallen call it what you will. AGAIN. i am not too sure if things are going to be different this time. I am going to try and fix everything that has led things to this point. I have never tried to do that in the past. That could explain why this has happened...AGAIN. I will try and explain further at a later date, but for now I just wanted to put the lyrics to a song that has really hit home lately. Here goes.

Keep Singing
by MercyMe

Another rainy day.
i can't recall having sunlshine on my face.
And all I feel is pain.
And all I want to do is walk out of this place.

But when I am stuck, when I can't move, when I don't know what I should do.
When I wonder if i'll ever make it through.

I gotta keep singing.
I gotta keep praising your name.
You're the one that's keeping my heart beating.
I gotta keep singing.
I gotta keep praising your name.
That's the only way that I find healing.
Can I climb up in your lap, I don't want to leave.
Jesus sing over me.
I gotta keep singing.